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Cathy MeyerCertified Marriage Educator and Divorce Coach

GET UPDATES FROM Cathy Meyer Like 18 Sexless Marriage: When Sex Ends at 'I Do' Posted: 12/27/2012 3:00 am React

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How do you define a sexless marriage? Are you living in one, or do you think you are?

In 2003, Newsweek noted that 15% to 20% of couples have sex less than 10 times a year, which is defined as a "sexless" marriage. I recently read that an estimated 15% of marriages become sexless, and making love less than 10 times per year can be the norm for some couples.

I have to wonder though, is it really the "norm" for couples or is one spouse limiting intimate interaction due to their own lack of interest in sex or for some other reason? When one spouse conforms to the sexual standards of the other spouse and the marriage becomes sexless, can it still be called a marriage?

In most situations, the sexual satisfaction in marriage is a measure of the entire relationship. If a once satisfying sex life becomes one in which sex is infrequent or absent, then more than likely there are other aspects of the relationship that a spouse is finding unsatisfying.

But what if the marriage is sexless from the beginning?

I can say this from experience; it is hard to feel as if you are in the throes of conjugal bliss if you're living with someone who feels like a roommate or friend... a friend without benefits!
My ex was everything to me; he was generous, helpful, grateful, respectful, tender and attentive -- and not in the least bit interested in sex with me or anyone else. As he explained to me several years after we married, "I've just never seen what the big deal is about sex." He failed to share this before marriage.

While dating, we had a normal sex life. He was as interested as I, or pretended to be. I know now that this was a special talent of his, making something that is not the case appear true.

His interest in sex came to an end the night we married. We didn't have sex that night and averaged sex every four to six weeks from then on. Being the problem solver that I am, I immediately went to work trying to fix the problem in our marriage.

And like some who experience sexual rejection after marriage, I blamed myself for his lack of interest in sex. I internalized his asexuality and made it all about me. It never occurred to me that I was married to a man who didn't care for sex in general. It was me, my fault. If only I were more sexual, thinner, a better cook, more willing to experiment sexually, then he would come around.

I read a lot of books and magazine articles meant to help those who were less than satisfied with the level of sex in their marriage. I came across a lot of sex tips and seduction techniques which I marvel at now. They seem quite insulting to the intelligence and integrity of a loving spouse who has already done all she can to earn sexual attention from someone who simply isn't interested.

Besides, becoming an amateur porn star for my own husband didn't improve things, and only made me feel worse about myself.

Finally, in our 11th year of marriage, I insisted my husband see an urologist. It was time for him, in my opinion, to become a party to fixing the problem. After tests and blood work, we were told that he had an extremely low testosterone level. I was relieved; we had an answer to the problem, and we could fix it. Or so I thought.

One afternoon, he came in from his third appointment with the urologist. I was sitting in bed reading when I heard him coming up the stairs. He stopped at the bed, pulled a bottle of pills out of his pocket, opened the top drawer of my nightstand and said to me, "This is a bottle of Viagra; from now on when you want sex, all you have to do is ask for it." He dropped the bottle in the drawer and kicked it closed with his foot.

I knew at that moment that my marriage was over. It took another 18 months before a divorce was filed but it was inevitable. I never asked him for sex again and I stopped taking responsibility for a problem only he could fix.

Although I can't tell anyone who has found themselves in a sexless marriage how to solve the problem, I can suggest they not do as I did. Don't turn yourself inside out trying to fix something you didn't cause.

The frustration, shame and hurt that comes from a marriage that is lacking in physical intimacy due to the asexuality of a spouse can do more than hurt your self-esteem; it can bring on depression, self-loathing and anxiety, not to mention dealing with the conflicted emotions that come along with the knowledge that the person you love doesn't want to "make love".

What did I learn from my sexless marriage?

It wasn't about me. The focus should have been on him and his attitudes about sex from the beginning, not on changing who I was to satisfy him. It wasn't that he didn't want me, he just didn't want sex.

My story of a sexless marriage may not be yours. But if it is, whether you are a man or woman being denied sexual contact by your spouse on a regular basis, here is your take-away: If you are a kind, considerate and loving spouse, you are desirable, not in need of change, not doing anything wrong, and most importantly, can't fix a problem if you are not causing the problem.

Follow Cathy Meyer on Twitter:www.twitter.com/@cathywmeyer

FOLLOW DIVORCE Like 7k Get Alerts #ad_bottom_article_text {margin-bottom: 15px} Marriage Divorce AdviceHow do you define a sexless marriage? Are you living in one, or do you think you are?In 2003, Newsweek noted that 15% to 20% of couples have sex less than 10 times a year, which is defined as a "sex...How do you define a sexless marriage? Are you living in one, or do you think you are?In 2003, Newsweek noted that 15% to 20% of couples have sex less than 10 times a year, which is defined as a "sex... More in Divorce...

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View AllFavorites Recency | Popularity Match Box 8 Fans 24 seconds ago ( 8:47 AM)"The Woman That Ruined My Marriage"
Author,
All MenMatch_Box: "The Woman That Ruined My Marriage" Author, All Menhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Match_Box/sexless-marriage-when-sex_b_2280062_216898446.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share itThis comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation.

Loading comments… Thomas Pain 274 Fans 21 minutes ago ( 8:26 AM)I think Cathy's analysis is backwards.

I suspect that a lack of love causes a lack of sexual desire, rather than the other way around. I suspect it is very common for people to insist they love their spouse when they do not, for other reasons. They lie. I have see it in action.

There are many reasons people get married, and stay married, and love is one of them. Someone who marries or stays married for any other reason (and many people do) may soon feel little or no sexual attraction to their spouse. The better question is, If this is a sexless marriage, is it also, or is it first, a loveless marriage?

Maybe Cathy really loved her husband, but it doesn't seem as if he loved her enough to want to make love to her. The fact that he concealed his asexuality until after he got married means he was deceptive from the beginning, hardly an attitude of love. Cathy doesn't mention the idea that maybe he didn't really love her at all, and married her for some other reason, or maybe he has Affection Deficit Syndrome and does not comprehend a loving relationship.Thomas_Pain: I think Cathy's analysis is backwards. I suspect that ahttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Thomas_Pain/sexless-marriage-when-sex_b_2280062_216895361.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share itThis comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation.

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HUFFPOST SUPER USERCarl CaroliI just don't understand people1869 Fans 22 minutes ago ( 8:26 AM)If it bothers you, get out. Marriage is a two way street.Carl_Caroli: If it bothers you, get out. Marriage is a twohttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Carl_Caroli/sexless-marriage-when-sex_b_2280062_216895279.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share itThis comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation.

Loading comments… gabber432 18 Fans 22 minutes ago ( 8:25 AM)The "problem" is also not his asexuality.Some people are that way,just as some are straight and some are gay.
It's more a matter of honesty and clear communication.gabber432: The "problem" is also not his asexuality.Some people are thathttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/gabber432/sexless-marriage-when-sex_b_2280062_216895188.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share itThis comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation.

Loading comments… HUFFPOST SUPER USERMissTake1989Equal means equal, hypocrites.506 Fans 35 minutes ago ( 8:12 AM)When a man refuses to have sex with his wife, the marriage is "sexless". And it's a crisis.

When a woman refuses to have sex with her husband, the marriage is a "marriage." And it's a Thursday.

"You don't OWN him or his body. It's not yours to just "use" whenever you feel like it. Maybe you should learn to appreciate him for him, as a human being, and not an object for your own sexual urges."

That's essentially what gets said when this issue is addressed from the other side.

I wonder why it's different here...?MissTake1989: When a man refuses to have sex with his wife,http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/MissTake1989/sexless-marriage-when-sex_b_2280062_216893451.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share itThis comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation.

Loading comments… cdchicago 361 Fans 1 hour ago ( 7:34 AM)I do not htink any given pill will fix it. But I am curious as to whether this should have been discussed before marriage. Beyond is hje sexual is the question is he affectionate? Does he feel the uncontrollable need to put his arms around ytou. Do he stare at you across a room? Who iniiates it? How often in a 24 hour period does it happen? No passion, no fire. So no marriage. There is a distinct difference between cordiality and the instinct to do it. Even years after the marriage ceremony. I think barrrel of blue pills is useless if the desire isn't there in the first place. I think you agree.cdchicago: I do not htink any given pill will fix it.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/cdchicago/sexless-marriage-when-sex_b_2280062_216889244.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share itThis comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation.

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MonkeyDaddyAgent of Evolution274 Fans 1 hour ago ( 7:24 AM)Everyone is free to define their own marriage, but to me marriage without sex is like drinking non-alcoholic beer, I just don't see the point.MonkeyDaddy: Everyone is free to define their own marriage, but tohttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/MonkeyDaddy/sexless-marriage-when-sex_b_2280062_216888294.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share itThis comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation.

Loading comments… lala888 1 Fans 2 hours ago ( 6:42 AM)"Don't turn yourself inside out trying to fix what you did not cause" - I finally get it.......lala888: "Don't turn yourself inside out trying to fix what youhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/lala888/sexless-marriage-when-sex_b_2280062_216885138.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share itThis comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation.

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mjc1357 50 Fans 5 hours ago ( 4:00 AM)That's the old joke about marriage; The vow should be changed from "I do" to "I used to"!mjc1357: That's the old joke about marriage; The vow should behttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/mjc1357/sexless-marriage-when-sex_b_2280062_216876747.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share it This user has chosen to opt out of the Badges program

MSROADKILL612love auto biographys. any appS to write mine?317 Fans 1 hour ago ( 7:26 AM)Or woody

jewish women dont believe in sex after marriageMSROADKILL612: Or woody jewish women dont believe in sex after marriagehttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/MSROADKILL612/sexless-marriage-when-sex_b_2280062_216888463.htmlHistory |Permalink |Share itThis comment has been down-ranked into oblivion. View comment You have not right to carry out this operation or Error this operation.

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