If Deranged Sorority Emailer Wrote Obama's Gun Control Speech Scolding Senate

Earlier today an email leaked from a University of Maryland student and, due to its expletive-filled, fiery rhetoric worthy of David Mamet, it almost instantly went viral. The message, sent to the young woman's sorority sisters, forcefully instructed them to represent the sorority better at events with their "matchup" frat.

While perhaps misguided, her language and, dare we say, her passion, was so effective, we couldn't help but imagine her talents being directed at other subjects -- such as, say, senators who blocked gun control legislation in yesterday's vote. President Obama's speech chastising the lawmakers who voted against extending background checks certainly was Obama at his most visibly angry, but if he took this writer's cue, he could have gone a lot further than "shameful."

So, we took the liberty of aggregating her anger and recontextualizing its meaning, applying it instead to what Obama could have said on Wednesday. Obviously, some VERY NSFW language is used below, so if obscenity offends you, stop reading (and keep in mind, the writer's anger is so universal, we had to change very little).

If you tuned into this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this speech is going to be a rough fucking ride.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this Senate, you have been FUCKING UP in terms of reasonable gun control legislation. I've been getting texts on texts about Senators LITERALLY being so fucking INHUMANE and so fucking CALLOUS. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Barry, I've been having so much fun with my NRA pals this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so
that I don't have to fucking find you on the Hill to do it myself.

I do not give a flying fuck, and Gabby Giffords does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your NRA pals. You have 364 days out of the fucking year to talk to the NRA, and today is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. Today is about repairing something broken in our communities, and that's not fucking possible if you're going to stand around and talk to the NRA and not to families of victims. Newsflash you stupid cocks: AMERICANS DON'T LIKE COWARDS. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: AMERICANS DO NOT WANT TO VOTE FOR YOU IF YOU FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, YOU FUCKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about how background checks won’t change anything IN FRONT OF NEWTOWN FAMILIES. Are you people fucking retarded? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore votes. If your constituents openly said "Yeah we're gonna screw you the next chance we get", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be voting against 90% of Americans interests, I don't give a FUCK if Wayne LaPierre wants you to, if Ted Nugent wants you to, or if the entire NRA wants you to. YOU DON'T. YOU. DON'T. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other Senators to vote with you.

"But Barry!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your TV screen as you listen to this speech, "I've been saying I’m appalled by the tragedies, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING UP ON INTERNATIONAL FUCKING VOTES TOO. I've not only gotten texts about Senators being fucking WEIRD on the UN Arms Trade Treaty (for example, being stupid shits and adding amendments to budget bills saying "durr we don’t approve treaty…" is not fucking funny), but I've gotten texts about Senate Democrats voting with the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about bipartisanship, YOU VOTE FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN IN AN ELECTION? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking
obsessed with making the NRA like you that you think being a good little supporter of the gun community is going to make your voters happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY YOUR FUCKING VOTERS. I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a fuck if you IMPEACH me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.

"Ohhh Barry, I'm now crying because your speech has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this speech applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that votes against dead children or if you're a weird shit that thinks a gentle breeze can infringe on the second amendment, this following message is for you:

DO NOT RUN FOR REELECTION.

I'm not fucking kidding. Don't run. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this speech and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS COUNTRY. I would rather have 40 Senators that are reasonable, talk to the families of victims, and not fucking cowardly than 80 that are fucking bitches. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to victims families I have an A rating from the NRA", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't fucking run for reelection unless you're going to stop being a goddamn cock block for legislation that can save fucking lives. Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at the next vote, I will tell you to resign even if you're a Democrat. I'm not even kidding. Try me.

And for those of you who are offended at this speech, I would apologize but I really don't give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.

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Mike Miller, Maryland State Senate President, 'Wouldn't Mind A Toke' Of Marijuana (VIDEO)

A mayor called "Sugardaddie," a $200,000 cheese heist, and a lawnmower DUI? Thats just the beginning of this week's local news roundup.

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Watch the Full "This Week In Local News" Segment on HuffPost Live.

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Kansas Senate Passes New Abortion Restrictions

By Kevin Murphy

KANSAS CITY, Kan., April 5 (Reuters) - The Kansas state Senate passed a measure on Friday that would ban Planned Parenthood from providing sex education in schools and require women to get more information about fetal development before having an abortion.

The measure was approved by a 28-10 vote and was expected to pass easily in the House of Representatives, which backed the 70-page bill in largely similar form earlier this week. Republicans have large majorities in both chambers. Republican Governor Sam Brownback, who opposes abortion, is expected to sign it.

Opponents of the measure say it contains 40 provisions that affect a woman's health and intrude on her right to an abortion. Advocates said it mainly codifies existing practices, while helping women make more informed choices.

"This fulfills the legislative intent to create a pro-life state," said Kathy Ostrowski, legislative director of Kansans for Life.

The Kansas bill is the latest development in a national fight over abortion that has seen lawmakers in several states pass new restrictions on abortion in the past two years.

Those have included laws approved in the past month in North Dakota and Arkansas that are seen as direct challenges to the U.S. Supreme Court's Roe v. Wade ruling in 1973 that legalized abortion.

The Kansas bill prohibits use of public funds, tax preferences or tax credits for abortion services.

The bill also requires abortion clinics to provide printed material about the fetus' stages of development, a link to websites, material and organizations that help pregnant women, and an explanation of legal responsibilities for an unborn child.

The bill bars school districts from letting abortion providers such as Planned Parenthood offer, sponsor or furnish course materials or instruction on human sexuality or on sexually transmitted diseases.

The bill defines life as beginning at fertilization, but does not ban abortion from that point. (Reporting by Kevin Murphy; Editing by Mary Wisniewski, Cynthia Johnston and Peter Cooney)

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Senate Barbershop Loses $350,000 Per Year, Is To Get Trim After Years Of Consecutive Deficits

Senator Joseph C. O'Mahoney (D-WY) was photographed getting a shave and a haircut in the Senate barbershop on July 12, 1937, shortly before going to the Senate floor for "battle" on a court reform bill. (Library of Congress)

After lathering up deficits of roughly $350,000 a year over the past 15 years, Senate Sergeant at Arms Terrance Gainer says it’s time to give the U.S. Senate barbershop a trim, the Weekly Standard reports.

The Senate barbershop -- which opened in 1859 -- provides government subsidized haircuts, shaves and shoe shines to both the political elite and members of the public. However, Gainer says that due to its unsustainable business model, it’s time, as the Weekly Standard put it, to give the barbershop a new style: privatization.

Gainer has attempted to privatize the Senate barbershop over the past few years, but now says the current federal deficit battles are giving him enough leverage to finally get his plan through.

“I’ve accelerated my goal to get there leveraging sequestration” Gainer told the Weekly Standard. “The only real way we’re going to change this thing around without pricing ourselves out of the market is by reducing the number of full time employees.”

In 2012, the Senate barbershop, officially named Senate Hair Care Services, received a $300,000 taxpayer funded bailout to keep its doors open.

The salon -- which provided free services to Senate members until the 1970s -- does charge for its services and serves an estimated 27,000 customers a year. However, former Sen. Peter Fitzgerald (R-Ill.) attributes the barbershop’s financial troubles to the fact that it employs federal workers, who, Fitzgerald says, are paid substantially higher than private-sector stylists.

“They are using union labor, and so their benefits and wages are higher than those of many jobs,” Fitzgerald told The Daily in response to the 2012 bailout.

According to the Weekly Standard report, the Senate Hair Care Services’ head barber earns nearly an annual $80,000 -- well above the annual income $28,050 of average U.S. barbers. Privatizing the Senate salon would allow Gainer to hire independent contractors at a lower salary.

The House of Representatives has its own barbershop as well, known as the Capitol Barber. However, after being privatized in the mid 90s, the House barbershop is no longer funded by taxpayers. In 2012, the House salon’s barbers and stylists made significantly less than their Senate barber counterparts, earning between $22,000 to $30,000.

On Tuesday, the Senate barbershop’s deficit problems became a late night punch line, as comedian Jay Leno spun a positive perspective on the salon’s monetary losses.

“The United States Senate is now fighting to keep open the Senate barbershop...it loses $350,000 a year,” Leno said on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. “You know what that makes it? The most successful government program ever!”

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About half of the sequestration consists of defense spending cuts, which would "drastically" shrink the military and cancel defense contracts, according to the House Armed Services Committee. (John Cantlie/Getty Images)

The sequestration would slash funding for the government's emergency response system for disasters such as hurricanes, according to the White House. (Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)

Checks for unemployed people looking for work would shrink by up to 9 percent, according to the White House. (J Pat Carter/AP Photo)

More than 100,000 formerly homeless people would lose their current housing as a result of sequestration, according to the White House. (Mark Lennihan/AP Photo)

About 125,000 low-income families would be at risk of losing their housing because of rental assistance cuts, according to the White House. (Barry Gutierrez/AP Photo)

The sequestration would eliminate care for up to 373,000 "seriously mentally ill" people, according to the White House. (Eric Gay/AP Photo)

The FDA would conduct fewer food inspections as a result of sequestration, according to the White House. (Mike Hentz/AP Photo)

About 70,000 children would lose access to the early education program Head Start as a result of the sequestration, according to the White House. (Elaine Thompson/AP Photo)

The government's small business loan guarantees would get slashed by nearly $1 billion as a result of the sequestration, according to the White House. (Steven Senne/AP Photo)

The sequestration would slash scientific research funding at the National Institutes of Health (NIH) and National Science Foundation (NSF), according to the White House. (Spencer Platt/Getty Images)

Up to 424,000 HIV tests would be on the chopping block as a result of sequestration, according to the White House. Thousands of people with HIV also would lose access to "life-saving" HIV medications. (Darren Abate/AP Images for AIDS Healthcare Foundation)

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California School Districts Misspent Millions Of Cafeteria Money, State Senate Report Finds

SAN FRANCISCO -- California school districts have misspent tens of millions of dollars intended to provide subsidized meals to low-income students, according to a state Senate report released Wednesday.

The California Department of Education recently ordered eight districts to repay about $170 million to programs that offer free and reduced-price lunches and breakfasts, according to the investigation by the Senate Office of Oversight and Outcomes.

In most cases, the cash-strapped districts used the misappropriated funds to pay for other expenses, such as salaries and equipment, according to the report, titled "Food Fight: Small team of state examiners no match for schools that divert student meal funds."

The cafeteria fund diversions have led to cost-cutting measures, such as shorter lunch periods, inadequate staffing and serving processed foods instead of fresh fruits and vegetables, the report said.

The cases mentioned in the report may only represent a fraction of misappropriated meal money in California because the state doesn't have the resources to monitor how its nearly 3,000 school districts spend their cafeteria funds, the report said. Most of the investigations were prompted by whistleblowers.

Chief Deputy Superintendent Richard Zeiger said Wednesday that the Department of Education plans to hire and train more staff members to monitor district meal programs and conduct more frequent reviews later this year.

"Our goal is to be sure every dollar set aside to feed California's children is spent for that purpose, and that purpose alone," Zeiger said in a statement. "From my point of view, they are literally taking food out of the mouths of kids."

The department ordered the Los Angeles Unified School District to repay $158 million to its cafeteria fund after state officials found misappropriations and unallowable charges, according to the report.

The Los Angeles district, the nation's second largest, said in a statement Wednesday that it has been working with state education officials to "ensure full compliance to federal and state guidelines. All disputed costs for the years in question have been adjusted accordingly."

The Department of Education also ordered repayments, ranging from $369,000 to $5.6 million, from the Baldwin Park, Centinela Valley, Compton, Oxnard, San Diego, San Francisco and Santa Ana districts. Another six districts were ordered to repay smaller amounts.

The San Diego and Santa Ana districts are challenging the department's findings.

California school districts provide 2.4 million free and reduced-price meals every day. The U.S. Department of Agriculture provides more than $2 billion a year in meal subsidies to California, which provides an additional $145 million.

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Eric Cantor On Fiscal Cliff: GOP Leader Opposes Senate Bill

WASHINGTON -- The No. 2 Republican in the House leadership says he opposes a Senate-passed measure to avert the so-called fiscal cliff.

Virginia Rep. Eric Cantor told reporters after a two-hour closed-door meeting Tuesday with his GOP lawmakers that he did not support the bill.

He said House leaders were looking for "the best path forward" and that no decisions had been made.

The Senate passed the measure early Tuesday by a sweeping 89-8 vote. House passage of the measure would send it to President Barack Obama for his signature. The bill would increase taxes on family income exceeding $450,000 and delay across-the-board spending cuts for two months.

House GOP leaders were considering amending the measure and sending it back to the Senate, but that step could produce a deadlock.

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Fiscal Cliff Bill Proposed By Senate Packed With Mix Of Handouts, Takebacks

WASHINGTON, Jan 1 (Reuters) - The U.S. Senate packed an eclectic mix of handouts and takebacks into its last-minute deal to avoid the "fiscal cliff," including a measure to repeal part of President Barack Obama's signature healthcare overhaul and a string of special interest tax breaks.

At the center of the 157-page bill adopted early Tuesday are provisions to raise taxes on the wealthiest households and to make permanent Bush-era tax cuts for the middle class. The bill now goes to the Republican-controlled House of Representatives.

But senators also extended higher rum excise taxes to Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands and provided tax breaks to a wide range of other groups and interests, including motorsports entertainment complexes and mine rescue teams.

Among the other sweeteners:

* special expensing rules for certain film and TV productions

* tax-exempt financing for New York Liberty Zone, an area around the site of the World Trade Center.

* extension of American Samoa economic development credit

Congressional lawmakers often insert pet projects and other unrelated provisions into major "must do" bills in the last days of a legislative session, when it is more likely that quick passage will occur.

Green energy was another big winner in the bill. Roughly a dozen provisions would extend credits and incentives for plug-in electric vehicles, energy-efficient appliances, biodiesel and renewable diesel, and other alternative energy initiatives.

The legislation also would kill the part of Obama's 2010 Affordable Care Act designed to let millions of elderly and disabled people get help at home rather than be placed in institutional care, which tends to be more expensive.

Democrats acknowledge that the insurance initiative known as the Community Living Assistance Services and Support program, or CLASS, is financially flawed but they had argued it should be fixed rather than ended.

The House voted to repeal that provision 11 months ago.

Also tucked in the bill, known as the American Taxpayer Relief Act of 2012, are measures to avert the so-called "dairy cliff" - a steep increase in milk prices that would otherwise take place this year.

The measures would extend farm subsidy programs and prevent dairy subsidies from reverting to 1949 levels, which would have meant retail milk prices could have doubled to about $7 per gallon.

One thing lawmakers did not slide into the legislation: a raise for themselves. The Senate bill says members of Congress will get no cost-of-living adjustment in their pay for fiscal year 2013.

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Fiscal Cliff Agreement Passes Senate

WASHINGTON (AP) — The Senate has passed legislation to block the impact of across-the-board tax increases and spending cuts that make up the fiscal cliff.

The vote was an overwhelming 89-8 and came well after midnight on New Year's Day.

A House vote is expected before Wednesday.

The White House-backed legislation would prevent middle-class taxes from rising, and raise rates on incomes over $400,000 for individuals and $450,000 for couples.

It also blocks spending cuts for two months, extends unemployment benefits for the long-term jobless, prevents a 27 percent cut in fees for doctors who treat Medicare patients and prevents a spike in milk prices.

A last-minute addition would also prevent a $900 pay raise for members of Congress from taking effect in March.

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Sandy Aid Bill: Senate Approves $60.4 Billion Hurricane Recovery Package

WASHINGTON, Dec 28 (Reuters) - The U.S. Senate on Friday approved a $60.4 billion aid package to pay for reconstruction costs from Superstorm Sandy, after defeating Republican efforts to trim the bill's cost.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid urged the Republican-controlled House of Representatives to quickly take up the bill.

Both chambers have to agreed on a package by Jan 2, when the current term of Congress is expected to end, or restart the process of crafting legislation in 2013.

"We beat back all of the crippling amendments," said Senator Charles Schumer, a Democrat from New York, which suffered the largest monetary damage in the storm.

"The century-old tradition of different parts of the country rallying to help those who are beleaguered because of difficult natural disasters continues," Schumer said.

The bill's chances in the next few days could depend on whether President Barack Obama and congressional leaders reach a deal to avert the "fiscal cliff" of tax increases and spending cuts set to begin kicking in the new year.

House Republican leaders have not yet decided whether to take up the Senate bill, a Republican aide said.

Senate Republicans complained the $60.4 billion reconstruction package requested by Obama is more than the annual budgets for the departments of Interior, Labor, Treasury and Transportation combined.

Senator Dan Coats, an Indiana Republican, offered an alternative that would have provided $23.8 billion in funding to help victims of the Oct 29 storm through the end of March and give Congress time to determine additional needs.

"Let me just say, we simply are allowing three months for the Congress of the United States, the representatives of the taxpayers' dollars, to assess, document and justify additional expenditures that go beyond emergency needs," Coats said just before his amendment was defeated.

The Congressional Budget Office has estimated about $8.97 billion of the Senate bill would be spent in 2013, with another $12.66 billion spent in 2014 and $11.59 billion spent in 2015.

The Senate bill is considerably less than the $82 billion in aid requested by New York, New Jersey and Connecticut, the states that bore the brunt of damage from the storm.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, a Republican, was in Washington this month, lobbying lawmakers for the larger amount.

The Federal Emergency Management Agency's disaster relief fund now has less than $5 billion available.

The damage to New York and New Jersey coastal areas was on a scale not seen since Hurricane Katrina slammed the Gulf Coast and flooded New Orleans in 2005. Two weeks after that storm hit, Congress approved $62.3 billion in emergency appropriations.

Lawmakers passed numerous subsequent emergency funding requests over several years to cover damages from Katrina, which topped $100 billion.

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Fiscal Cliff Talks: Obama To Meet With Senate GOP Friday

BY THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

WASHINGTON — The Senate's top Republican says President Barack Obama has asked congressional leaders to convene at the White House for last-minute talks on a deal that avoids automatic tax increases and broad spending cuts.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell says the leaders are expected to meet with the president Friday, just four days before the government goes over the so-called "fiscal cliff" if Congress and Obama don't act.

The meeting would be the first time Obama has huddled with all four leaders since Nov. 16 and would represent that last hope for a deal before the new year. Obama spoke to each leader individually Wednesday before returning from vacation in Hawaii.

Obama and congressional Democrats want a deal that would let tax rates rise for the wealthiest taxpayers.

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Brian Schatz Senate: Hawaii's Lieutenant Governor Tapped To Replace Late Sen. Daniel Inouye

Hawaii's Lt. Gov. Brian Schatz has been chosen to replace the late Sen. Daniel Inouye (D-Hawaii).

Hawaii Democrats picked U.S. Rep. Colleen Hanabusa, Schatz and Department of Land and Natural Resources Deputy Director Esther Kiaaina as final nominees for the open U.S. Senate seat. Hawaii Gov. Neil Abercrombie announced Schatz as Inouye's replacement Wednesday evening.

After fighting respiratory complications, Inouye passed away December 17 at the age of 88. The day Inouye died, he sent a letter to Abercrombie asking him to appoint Hanabusa to his seat.

Abercrombie said that he wanted Hanabusa to remain on the House Armed Services Committee because of her close relationship with House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. Politico's Manu Raju reports Inouye's office is "very disappointed" the late senator's choice of successor was not honored by Abercrombie.

After the announcement, Schatz noted he would run for Senate in 2014 with hopes of serving the last 2 years of Inouye's term. He also announced he would seek the Senate seat for a full term in 2016.

The AP reports:

HONOLULU — Lt. Gov. Brian Schatz of Hawaii was appointed Wednesday to succeed the late U.S. Sen. Daniel Inouye.

Gov. Neil Abercrombie announced the appointment after receiving a list of three candidates from the state Democratic Party earlier in the day. The other candidates were U.S. Rep. Colleen Hanabusa and Esther Kiaaina, a deputy director in the state Department of Land and Natural Resources.

Inouye died Dec. 17 of respiratory complications at the age of 88. He had sent Abercrombie a letter that day, saying he would like Hanabusa, 61, to succeed him.

"Sen. Inouye conveyed his final wish to Gov. Abercrombie. While we are very disappointed that it was not honored, it was the governor's decision to make," Jennifer Sabas, Inouye's chief of staff, said in a statement. "We wish Brian Schatz the best of luck."

Schatz will serve until an election is held in 2014. Had Hanabusa been appointed, a special election would have been needed to fill her seat.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid had urged Abercrombie to name Inouye's successor before the end of the year. Schatz could be sworn in as early as this week, which would make him Hawaii's senior senator heading into the new Congress, which begins Jan. 3.

Sen. Daniel Akaka is retiring at the end of this Congress, after 22 years in the Senate. Democratic Rep. Mazie Hirono was elected in November to succeed him.

Schatz, 40, is a former state representative and a former chairman of the state Democratic Party. He also was a leader of President Barack Obama's campaign in Hawaii in 2008.

In making his case before the party's central committee Wednesday, he said he understood the importance of seniority in the Senate and said that if he was appointed, he would strive to make serving in the Senate his life's work.

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