Tammy Nelson, Ph.D.: Never Say This To A Friend Who's Been Cheated On

Sex and relationship expert; Psychotherapist; Author of The New Monogamy and Getting the Sex You Want; International speaker

Your friend calls you in the middle of the night, crying. She sniffles and barely manages to say, "He did it again. He cheated!" You hold your breath because you aren't sure what to say. You want to say the right thing. However, what comes out may be the the worst thing you can say.

Right now, your friend or loved one is in a crisis. They just found out that their partner cheated. Sure, there are things they want to hear. And you want to say them, because you want to comfort your friend. And you want to let your friend know that you are there for him or her in their misery. But trust me, if you say the wrong thing now, it could come back to bite you later on. And some things you say could be even worse -- you could lose your friendship forever.

Do you want to really help them? Here are the things you should never say to a friend who's been cheated on:

Leave. This is the worst thing that you can say. When someone shares with you that they've been cheated on, they are basically opening up and sharing one of the most vulnerable and defeated moments of their life. It makes sense that you might tell them to leave. But when you first find out that your spouse or partner has cheated, whether it's disclosed or discovered, the last thing you should be doing is making a decision about what you want to do in the long term. In fact, if you want to give better advice to your friend right now, say to them them, "Don't make any decisions right now. Wait until the major feelings blow over."

Tell them this: It's important in this time of crisis to feel safe and to take care of one's health and safety. Find a place to sleep if you can't be in the same bed as your partner and take care of your health by remembering to eat and drink plenty of water. And remember that what you are feeling now is not what you are going to feel a few days or even a few months from now. Now is not the time to make any major decisions about your future. Moving out, breaking up or filing for divorce now may make it even harder later on.

Once a cheater always a cheater. That's just not true. Many affairs happen because of opportunity. And in fact, many relationships can be sound, happy and healthy and affairs still happen. And cheating partners may be very remorseful and willing to do anything they can to repair afterward. What may be more helpful to hear right now is that many relationships are stronger than ever after an affair.

It may not be clear right away if this relationship will make it or not, but if you are really a friend trying to give advice, what gives you the right to tell someone that if their partner cheats, they will always do it again? How do you know?

Men are such pigs. Or the equivalent: Women are such sluts. It's not helpful to classify someone's most important partner as just one of a whole group of unwholesome and awful people. Inferring that one's partner has no integrity, cannot be trusted and, in fact, is a lowly, awful person with no redeeming qualities may feel good in the moment, but if your friend ends up staying with that person, they will never want to look you in the eye again and you may end up not only losing your friend, but creating an enemy.

They should have just left you first. That's easy for you to say. The person being cheated on didn't want to be cheated on. What makes you think it's easier to hear that they should have been dumped instead? How would being broken up with have made their life any better? In fact, they probably don't want their partner to end their marriage or relationship, so you saying that it would have been better to divorce is going to sound like the ultimate insult. It is incredibly patronizing for a friend or loved one to assume that ending a marriage or committed partnership is better than being cheated on. Yes, being cheated on feels awful, but how is being dumped going to feel any better?

You'll meet someone better. Don't try and move your friend onto someone else or something else too soon. They aren't ready and they don't want to be. And no, they shouldn't have a "revenge" affair. Don't take your friend out to meet someone else. Don't encourage them to cheat to "get even." If they do that, then they will just have to get over two affairs: their partner's and their own.

So what do you say when to a friend that's been cheated on? You are allowed to have your own feelings, but let your friend know that they are yours: "I am so mad and upset that this happened to you. It's hard for me to forgive what they did to you right now. I am so upset for you."

Do yourself and them a favor: Be supportive by listening, being empathetic and validating their feelings. This might sound like, "I am so sorry you are going through this. It must feel awful right now. I understand that you are feeling so sad and angry. It sounds like you are feeling terrible. What can I do right now to help? What do you need from me? "

Perhaps the most important way to support a friend after infidelity is to simply let them know, "I love you and I am here for you. (Even if you can't resist throwing in a one-time "...Whether you stay with that cheating s-o-b or not.")

Dr. Tammy Nelson is a world renowned sex and relationship expert and the author of The New Monogamy and Getting the Sex You Want. She can be found at www.drtammynelson.com. For more information on creating your new monogamy agreement go to https://www.drtammynelson.com/products-page/book/newmonogamyautographed/

Follow Tammy Nelson, Ph.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/drtammynelson

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Nelson Mandela Photos: Benny Gool, Apartheid Photojournalist, Took Striking Images Of Madiba (PHOTOS)

For over three decades, photojournalist Benny Gool was afforded the rare opportunity to chronicle the career of Nelson Mandela. Working for The Cape Times, he captured both public and private moments of the first president of post-apartheid South Africa, collecting iconic photographs of the man many know as Madiba.

Gool's images are the subject of a new exhibit at New York's POP International Galleries, titled "MADIBA – Images of Nelson Mandela." Featuring portraits of Mandela's familiar smiling face, the show highlights everything from his momentous speeches to his celebrity encounters with icons like Michael Jackson and Princess Diana.

"MADIBA – Images of Nelson Mandela" goes on view at POP International Galleries in New York on February 13, 2013.

Scroll through a preview of the exhibit below and let us know how you are celebrating Black History Month in the comments section.

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WORCESTER, SOUTH AFRICA: After his release from 27 years in prison Mr Mandela went out of his way to visit as many communities, across the length and breadth of the country, as possible. Here, he greets masses of people assembled on a football field in Worcester, about 100 miles from Cape Town.

President-elect Nelson Mandela at an election rally at Athlone Stadium just before South Africans of all races went to the polls for the first time in April 1994.

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA: President Nelson Mandela on one of what must have amounted to hundreds of visits to crèches, to spend time with the children. This photograph was taken in Mitchell’s Plain.

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA: King of Pop Michael Jackson visited President Nelson Mandela at his parliamentary office, Tuynhuis, on 23 March 1999.

MALMESBURY, SOUTH AFRICA - A smiling President Nelson Mandela at an event in the small town of Malmesbury, north of Cape Town.

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA: ANC President Nelson Mandela, with regional leaders Reverend Alland Boesak and Mr Lerumo Kalako, on the campaign trail in Grassy Park ahead of the historic 1994 general election.

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA - 20 March 1997: President Nelson Mandela re-visited Robben Island on 20 March 1997, stopping off at the infamous lime quarry where prisoners were forced to work.

Cape Town, South Africa: Mr Mandela participates in the voter registration drive, at Peninsula Technikon, ahead of South Africa’s second democratic election in 1999.

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'Being Mandela': Nelson Mandela's Granddaughters Bring An Icon's Legacy To Reality TV (VIDEO)

The last time Zaziwe Dlamini-Manaway saw South Africa's infamous Robben Island penitentiary, she was just 8 months old and being smuggled in by a prison guard to see her grandfather. For many years, she couldn't imagine making a trip back.

"We didn't want to go for years and years, because that's where my grandfather was," Zaziwe, now 35, told The Huffington Post. "It was a painful place and we didn't want to relive it," she said, recalling the return visit she eventually made, along with her sister Swati Dlamini, 33, and other siblings.

Their grandfather, 94-year-old civil rights icon Nelson Mandela, hasn't heard about the emotions the women's trip to his old prison cell evoked, though he may when an episode of their reality TV show, "Being Mandela," airs on the NBC-affiliated Cozi TV in the coming weeks.

The 13-episode series, which premieres Sunday on the eve of the anniversary of Nelson Mandela's release from prison 23 years ago, doesn't only show viewers what life for a Mandela in South Africa is like today; it also helps Zaziwe and Swati understand their own legacy better.

According to the sisters, who grew up in exile in Boston with their parents, there were some reminders of the struggle raging in their home country, but for the most part, their parents kept them sheltered from the harsh realities that their famous grandparents and fellow South Africans had to endure.

"There were always reminders of the fact that far away, back at home, there are people who were fighting for the liberation of the country. So there are certain things that we wouldn't do as a family," Swati explained. "We would never put up a Christmas tree. [Our mother would say], 'We have no reason to celebrate. Once your grandfather gets out of prison, if he ever does get out of prison, then we can celebrate.' Even my sister's birthday -- June 16th, which is Youth Activist Day for us and the liberation struggle -- we couldn't celebrate. She never got a present on her actual birthday until my grandfather got out of prison."

These are sacrifices that Swati noted pale in comparison to those made by her grandparents -- and to the moment she realized just what their legacy meant.

"I remember coming back to South Africa when my grandfather was released, driving up Vilakazi Street," Swati said. "There were hundreds and thousands of people lined up on both sides of the road. They literally hung out for the entire time we were there -- two or three weeks -- and they didn't move. I was just like, 'Wow! Is this all for my grandfather?' That's the first recollection I [have] where I thought, 'OK, this is big. People really admire this man, and he's been such a huge inspiration for so many people.'"

Still, around Swati's and Zaziwe's homes, Nelson Mandela is "Granddad" and their grandmother, Winnie Mandela, is "Big Mommy." And when Zaziwe gives birth to her third child in episode one of "Being Mandela," none other than Big Mommy is on hand to help give him a name.

"She literally is the one who's responsible for naming everybody in the family," Zaziwe said, "so she was there when I had Zen, and it was an honor."

As for Swati, she is spearheading the publication of her grandmother's prison diary. In 1969, Winnie Mandela became one of the first detainees under Section 6 of South Africa's notorious Terrorism Act, serving 18 months in solitary confinement at Pretoria Central before being charged under the Suppression of Communism Act.

"It was such an eye-opener for me, the depths to which she describes her personal experiences and what she went through every day in prison, not being fed ... For two years she didn't see her children," said Swati. "As I'm going down this journey, I'll come home and ask my mom, 'Do you know this is what Big Mommy had to go through when she was in solitary confinement? Where were you guys?' And she would say, 'Sweetie, you know, we were just taken in by different people here and there. Our own family members didn't want to take us in because we were seen as such high risk.' We're going back into a place and a time where I think for a very long time we'd just shut off. We're facing a lot of those things now."

Remembering the past is crucial. "We're fortunate to look back, and February is a significant month for us," Swati said, adding that while the U.S. is celebrating Black History Month now, South Africa has its own Human Rights Month in March to acknowledge the country's struggle for human dignity.

But Nelson Mandela's granddaughters insist on writing the next chapter in their own way.

"To be able to be in a position as a woman to choose if I want to go into entertainment -- I'm fortunate that my grandmother did that for me. She fought, she was in solitary confinement for 18 months so that I can sit here and I can have this choice and live it out as I please," Swati said.

"We're looking back at our history to say look how far we've come, as a country, as a nation ... and we're excited about continuing the legacy, but we're doing it in our own way," she added.

One of those ways is a clothing line named after their grandfather's autobiography, Long Walk to Freedom. The line of apparel, which the sisters launched with their two younger brothers and which draws inspiration from their grandfather's famous Madiba shirts, is the primary focus of Zaziwe and Swati's work days. Running the business is also a major theme on the duo's reality show, giving the series the kind of sibling rivalry and semi-scripted adventures that reality TV is known for.

The sisters declare, nonetheless, that their show isn't your average reality TV. "Like every family, there's a bit of drama here and there, but we're very respectful of our name and we're very respectful of our grandparent's legacy and we're very mindful of that. In anything that we try to do, we always try to maintain the integrity of the family," Swati said.

The show also helps to portray Africa in a more positive light, Zaziwe added. "Most people think of Africa as one big country ... but the continent is so massive and this is just one aspect," she said. "We'll show that, Jesus, we've come so far after apartheid, we live in nice homes, we go to nice restaurants, the scenery is beautiful, it's safe ... this is a different side. It's not a travel show, but you'll see."

"Being Mandela" premieres on Cozi TV on Sunday, Feb. 10, at 9 p.m. ET. Watch a clip from the show in the video above.

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Zaziwe Dlamini-Manaway and her daughter (left) and Swati Dlamini and her daughter (right) flank their mother, Zenani Mandela Dlamini, and their grandfather, Nelson Mandela.

Swati Dlamini points to the number "67" on her grandfather Nelson Mandela's sweater. "On some of our apparel, we incorporate the number 67 because our grandfather dedicated 67 years of his life to the struggle," Swati told The Huffington Post.

Nelson Mandela "is doing very well," one of his granddaughters recently told the Associated Press. Mandela, 94, spent much of December in the hospital, where he was treated for a lung infection and gallstones.

Zaziwe and Swati gather with their grandmother, Winnie Mandela, and other family members. "My mom has four kids -- the two of us and two younger brothers -- and then we have stepbrothers and stepsisters," Zaziwe told The Huffington Post. "We're eight in total and we're all very close."

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Shasta Nelson, M.Div.: Making New Year's Resolutions Based on Love

Founder of womens friendship matching site, GirlFriendCircles.com, Author of Friendships Don't Just Happen!

If both Hanukkah and Christmas commemorate moments where we remember that God intervened in our lives -- be it by keeping a single-day of oil burning for eight days as the Jews rededicated their temple or impregnating a young woman to give birth to a baby who was to show the world what love looked like in action -- then the approach of New Year's should naturally stem from the awareness that God is among us. December reminds us that our lives are more than just ours. We go into January knowing that there is something bigger at play.

I want my New Year to be birthed from a really divine place. I want my hopes to feel magical. I want my dreams to feel in alignment with my work in this world. I want my resolutions to change more in this world than a few pounds off my body. I want my goals to not just feel like an obligatory to-do list or a re-hash of last years failed attempts.

Whatever belief system you have in place and whatever word you use for that which is bigger than us -- I hope you'll take the time to bring the true spirit of Hanukkah and Christmas into your New Year.

Who We Want to Be In 2013

Jim Wallis, the president and CEO of Sojourners and author of forthcoming book, On God's Side: What Religion Forgets and Politics Hasn't Learned about Serving the Common Good, sent out a newsletter this morning that speaks to this point. He spent the first part of 2012 researching and writing this book about the common good and how we seem to have lost this concept in our politics and our society.

He says, "What I learned in the course of writing was how ancient the concept of the common good really is." This quote dates back to the fourth century:

"This is the rule of most perfect Christianity, its most exact definition, its highest point, namely, the seeking of the common good ... for nothing can so make a person an imitator of Christ as caring for neighbors." -- John Chrysostom (ca. 347-407)

My roots are in Christianity, but yours doesn't need to be in order for that quote to still matter. In fact, some of the most beautiful "imitators of Christ" are the atheists, agnostics, other-religious, and non-religious people I know.

For no matter the religion we do or don't subscribe to, what most of us still quote would be what we call the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

In other words: Work toward the common good. Care about those around you. Love.

Setting Our New Year Intentions

So as I sit with that this morning, I want the seeds of my New Year's resolutions to come from that place of the common good. Therefore the question I need to be asking myself isn't only "How can I improve my life this year?" but also, "How can improving my life this year serve more people?"

Some of the questions I'm asking myself:

Am I as loving as I want to be?Am I acting with as much courage as I am meant to have?Am I becoming a more generous person each year?Am I growing in my own self-awareness so that I am taking more responsibility for my triggers, my responses, and my defensiveness?Am I living more often from a place of joy?Am I growing in my compassion and empathy for those around me?Am I seeing emotional growth in my life that excites me?

For many of those questions, I find myself pausing, unsure if I can unequivocally say yes. When I notice that pause, I am then asking, "What could I do in 2013 to become this more loving, courageous, and centered person that I want to be?"

Doesn't that feel so much more significant than beating ourselves up about our body weight, our spending habits, or any other number of actions that produce our immediate guilt? And don't we think that by focusing truly on who we want to become -- people with more joy, peace, patience, and courage -- that we'll find our other habits changing to align with what is now more true for ourselves? I think so.

So rather than encouraging you to add "Make three new friends this year" or "Call one long-distance friend each week" to your New Year's list, I'm instead inviting you to start from a deep and quiet place to ask yourself: "What quality can I grow that will help me love others better?" Who do you want to be? How do you want to expand?

Then whisper a prayer that expands that in you: "I'm willing to become a more loving, forgiving, generous, kind, centered, hopeful, and patient person."

Choose to be one more person in this world who cares about the common good, who doesn't vote only on self-interest, and who chooses to live from love instead of fear. And from that place of wanting to grow into a more loving person, trust that your love will pull more people in to give it back to you.

Your love will not produce an empty vacuum, but rather will create a circle of love surrounding you with more meaningful relationships, life purpose, and consequential joy. For love begets love. Love drives out fear. Love invites greater love. Love changes us. Love changes the world.

And that is what I call the greater good. Happy New Year!

Shasta Nelson blogs weekly at ShastasFriendshipBlog and has a new book coming out titled "Friendships Don't Just Happen which can be pre-ordered now.

Follow Shasta Nelson, M.Div. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/girlfrndcircles

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