Sue Fagalde Lick: Being Childless Doesn't Have to Mean Ending Up Alone

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Two women in my extended family made it to 100 years old. One had children, the other did not. One was honored with flowers and visits on Mother's Day, while the other never received a Mother's Day card. But when they celebrated their centennial birthdays, both were surrounded by loving family.

The woman who had children was Ruth, my husband's ex-mother-in-law, maternal grandmother to Fred's children. She turned 100 last month. Her daughters, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and one great-great granddaughter gathered at a posh restaurant to celebrate. In the Facebook photos, she looks happy, alert and ready to go on for another decade.

Although we have no direct connection these days, when Fred's kids were young, we occasionally spent time with Ruth and her late husband, Walt. They were always kind to me and included me as one of the family. Divorce doesn't always dissolve all the links between people; sometimes, it adds more links. Ruth lives these days in a senior residence in Santa Clara, California, not too far from her family. I wish her many more happy times in her long life.

The woman who did not have children was Edna, my mother's favorite aunt, married to Mom's Uncle Tony. I'm not sure why they didn't have children. I have heard rumors of miscarriages and failed attempts to get pregnant. When Aunt Edna was young, people didn't have all the medical options they have now. They also didn't talk about such things, so we don't really know what happened.

Aunt Edna was a whirlwind of energy; stylish, bold and always on the go. She worked in the office at a local cannery for many years. My mother worked with her until she got pregnant with me and retired to motherhood and life as a housewife, but Aunt Edna kept going. She worked, she had a busy social life, she volunteered for the church, and she loved her nieces and nephews. She was always surrounded by friends and family. Uncle Tony died relatively young of cancer, but Aunt Edna stayed in their house. Down the street, in her own house, lived her sister Virginia, who never married or had children. She, too, was a "career girl," working at San Jose State most of her life. After they retired, the two sisters traveled the world, seeing just about every country. At home, they gathered with their vast network of in-laws, cousins, nieces and nephews.

By the time Aunt Edna turned 100, she, too, was living in a senior residence, only a couple miles from where Ruth lives. Her dark hair had turned into a fluffy white cloud, her memory was fading, and she didn't walk as well as she used to, but she was never alone. For her birthday party, the family rented a banquet room at a local restaurant and completely filled it with people who loved Edna. It was the climax of a wonderful life.

Edna died a few months later. A crowd attended the funeral, among them Virginia, now in her 90s, still living in her own home with a caregiver.

Some of us without children worry that we'll end up alone, but we don't have to. Even if we never have children or grandchildren or great-grandchildren, we can be like Edna and love the people we have around us and be loved by them, knowing that when we turn 100 years old, we will not be alone.

Is there an Edna in your life? Think about sending her a card this week, even if she never gave birth.

Follow Sue Fagalde Lick on Twitter: www.twitter.com/suelick

Get Alerts Two women in my extended family made it to 100 years old. One had children, the other did not. One was honored with flowers and visits on Mother's Day, while the other never received a Mother's Day ca... Two women in my extended family made it to 100 years old. One had children, the other did not. One was honored with flowers and visits on Mother's Day, while the other never received a Mother's Day ca...

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Insight into being a Doctor in America

In late 2010, Dr. Grady Snyder saw the writing on the wall. He was burned out, his revenue was shrinking and it was getting too expensive to run his rural practice in Pueblo, Colo.

It was time to quit. On August 19, 2011, Snyder sold his practice to a localhospital 30 miles away.

"I gave up on health care in America," he said. Later that year, he moved to Australia and took up rural medicine there.
The choice was heart-wrenching for Snyder. He didn't want to feel like he was abandoning his nearly 5,000 patients, and he'd been the only family physician in the area for 16 years.
"I wasn't just a doctor there, I was part of this community," he said. "I coached youth basketball here. My kids went to school here."

Snyder's decision to leave was years in the making.
A third of Snyder's rural patients were on Medicare. When Medicare reimbursements to physicians started shrinking in the late 1990s, his revenues fell. At the same time, thecost of running his practice was rising. Snyder tried to control expenses as much as he could.
Then in 2009, a law was passed requiring doctors and hospitals to move to electronic health record systems by 2015. If they didn't, their Medicare payments would be cut further.
That was the final straw. "I couldn't afford that expense. I didn't have $100,000 lying around," he said.

...

As he researched opportunities online, a video caught his attention. It was from an Australian nonprofit, Rural Doctors Workforce Agency, which specializes in recruiting freelance primary care doctors from overseas to work in rural parts of southern Australia.
In February, 2011 he interviewed with RDWA. By May he had a contract. He quickly sold his practice, and got his work visa and medical licensing paperwork squared away.
...
The work was strenuous and challenging personally and professionally, said Snyder. He traveled a lot and was away from home every other week. He couldn't easily refer patients to specialists, because there weren't many practicing in rural towns around Adelaide. Lack of medical technology was another challenge. "Here you don't have an MRI or CAT scan facility at every corner," he said.

Still, Snyder embraced the experience in a country where he said the locals were welcoming and "loved my accent."
In America, Snyder hardly ever took time off. In Australia, Snyder is contracted to work only 36 weeks a year, plus he gets four weeks' paid vacation time. That's given him time to travel -- he and his wife have visited Sydney, Malaysia and elsewhere in the region.
Even with a much lighter schedule, Snyder is making the equivalent of U.S.$250,000 a year -- $100,000 more than he made practicing in Colorado year round.
Moving overseas has made being a doctor fun again, he said.
"Primary care is highly respected here. That's not the case anymore in America," said Snyder. "In the United States, health care has become more about the business of making money. The personal side of medicine is going away."

CNN

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Miguel Duarte Went From Being Undocumented To A Santa Cruz Police Officer

Miguel Duarte remembers the first time he saw an American police officer. He was 17 and had crossed the U.S. border illegally.

Duarte noticed the creases in the American officer's uniform, so sharp they could cut a tamale. The badge gleamed like a star on a shirt as black as the night sky.

He was in awe. And he was terrified. Meeting up with la policia was his nightmare.

Read the whole story at Patch

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Kwame Harris, Former 49ers, Raiders Player, Talks About Being Gay In The NFL (VIDEO)

Offensive lineman Kwame Harris #77 of the San Francisco 49ers during a preseason game against the Oakland Raiders on August 18, 2007 at Monster Park in San Francisco, California.

During his six seasons in the NFL, Kwame Harris remained in the closet because he did not believe being gay was "compatible" with his career. A first-round selection out of Stanford in the 2003 NFL Draft, the 6' 7" offensive lineman spent five seasons with the San Francisco 49ers and one with the Oakland Raiders before retiring in 2008.

"I love football. Football provided me with some experiences and some opportunities that I wouldn't trade for anything else," Harris told Coy Wire in an exclusive interview with CNN that aired on Friday. "But at the same time, the cost was great in asking me to not speak candidly or be able to be open about myself in this complete manner."

Harris kept his sexuality private during his career in the NFL but found himself in the spotlight after an alleged altercation with a former boyfriend generated headlines in January.

At the time, defense lawyer Alin Cintean told The Associated Press that Harris identifies himself as gay, but "is not very public about it." The 31-year-old broke his silence this week speaking with Wire, a former teammate at Stanford who also played in the NFL. In the interview, Harris spoke publicly for the first time about being gay and reflected on his decision to remain silent during his career.

"No, not while I was playing. I didn't see those two things as being compatible," Harris said when asked if he ever considered coming out while playing n the NFL. "But now when I look back in hindsight, if I could have done it differently, I would like to think that I would find the strength or find the fortitude or the grace to kind of make the hard decision."

According to a recent report by Mike Freeman of CBSSports.com, there is a gay player currently in the NFL who is strongly considering coming out publicly. In his conversation with Wire, Harris expressed hope that his recent candor would help young gay athletes realize that they are not alone.

"I want people -- whether they're gay athletes or athletes who are still in the closet or youth who aren't quite sure of what their sexuality is -- to realize that not only is that not unique but those feelings are common feelings," Harris told Wire. "Don't feel incredibly alone in having these questions."

WATCH CNN INTERVIEW ABOVE

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'Grey's Anatomy': Can Avery Handle Being Boss? Jesse Williams Weighs In On What's To Come

On "Grey's Anatomy," Jackson Avery (Jesse Williams) is boss.

The plastic surgeon is now on the board at Seattle Grace, after his mom Catherine Avery (Debbie Allen) bought him a hospital -- and there is going to be a lot of adjusting around the hospital.

Jesse Williams, who has been on "Grey's Anatomy" for four seasons now, chatted with The Huffington Post about who's butting heads with Avery, "psychologically getting beaten up," whether or not there's hope for him and April (Sarah Drew) and much more below.

Avery looked truly stunned when he found out his mom helped buy the hospital and put him on the board. Is it safe to assume he's not too happy with her?
Yeah, I think it's safe to say that he's pretty pissed. It's also one of those things that's scary news, but it's also good news. It's also a vote of confidence. It's also an inspired decision. It's not somebody saying, "I don't have faith in you." It's [somebody] saying they have more faith in you than you can even ever really have in yourself. And it's also from your mom. It's not from your enemy. It's not from someone you don't know ... It really is a complicated scenario.

It is terrifying, but it's also exciting. "Shit. I'm gonna be boss. That's cool, but there's no way I can do this. I'm definitely gonna melt down and my insecurities are gonna take over and I don't know how how I'm gonna do this. I don't know how to do this. I didn't study for this. I studied to cut people open and save lives and improve lives, not to read protocols and handle legal issues [and] hire and fire people." It's a different skill set. It's a different part of your brain and I think that's intimidating. Plus, he's not doing it in a vacuum; he's doing it with other, very strong personalities. You think Yang's [Sandra Oh] gonna roll over? You think she's not gonna speak up? You think Hunt's [Kevin McKidd] not gonna tell you how he feels? Or Derek Sherperd [Patrick Dempsey], etc.? These people are fierce that we work with and are half of them waiting for me to fail? Are half of them kissing up to me because they want their projects funded?

My mom also handed me a job, which is exactly what I always said I did not want all the way from back when Jackson had that conversation with Lexie [Chyler Leigh] about his legacy, about not wanting to parade around about being an Avery, not wanting to be in the shadow of his grandfather's name, but wanting to carve out his own future. This offering is kind of a combination of the two -- it allows him to carve out his own future, but it was handed to him because of his past.

I imagine some of the other doctors won't take too kindly to Jackson's new position. It's an awkward dynamic when someone who's your peer becomes your superior.
Yes.

And on top of that, they probably view this promotion as nepotism. Is there anyone in particular who gives Jackson a hard time?
Yeah. There's some tension between Jackson and Callie [Sara Ramirez] early on and then, what I find really interesting is Jackson and Owen. They've had an interesting teacher-student relationship, like in the trauma episode. And a couple other times where Jackson kind of wasn't living up to his potential, Owen pulled him aside and gave him a stern talking to and was that leader to him -- a harsh leader, but a leader. And now, Jackson holds the reigns to his future. Jackson can fire Chief Hunt if he wants to. I think that Hunt, who's been cut out of this entire process -- he's been cut out of the guys in the plane crash deciding whether they wanted to buy the place or not -- he's not a part of them. He's their peer in every other part of the show, but not on this issue. So he's kind of been left out in the rain and it all hits him like an ambush. Also, he wasn't in that room when we got the news so me and him are gonna have some words and it's gonna be tense. I can tell you it's not gonna go well between Jackson and Owen early on. The first relationship casualty for Jackson is that Owen is no friend of his.

Is there anyone who will be an ally for Avery?
Not really. Well, his mom, certainly. Also, Jackson is not somebody like April who's gonna come find you to sit there and talk to about something. Jackson is kind of a lone wolf character -- he deals with his stuff by himself. He bottles it up, keeps it to himself, and you only know anything about him because his mom blurts it out. He's not a big sharer so when you're in a vulnerable position you're not any more inclined to share.

You are going to see him deal directly with Dr. Webber [James Pickens, Jr.] and his mom more because they were the arbiters of this, they brought this onto him. And Webber can't help but impart some wisdom because he does want a healthy relationship with Catherine's son with the intent to stay around. He's trying to put his best foot forward and offer some guidance, but that doesn't mean that Jackson's going to accept it or isn't going to look at with suspicion.

Does Jackson's new position create tension for Jackson and Stephanie [Jerrika Hinton]?
I think so and I don't think it's a direct result of "I've got this new job and position. We now have more tension." I think it's wear and tear. You know, if you're an athlete and you're getting pounded on the field, you're gonna be worn down. I think Jackson is just psychologically getting beaten up. He's never not working. He's always got a million things to do, none of which are what he came here to do, which is to be a surgeon.

So when you're exhausted, when you're tired, when you only can rely on your most trusted people and those you've known for the longest time, some new intern who you're sleeping with on the side is not exactly your go-to person. And that's to no fault of hers because she's terrific and has always been sweet and helpful to him and fun. I think that it's one of those things where it's on the fence -- it could be threatened and become the thing that kind of gets knocked off the table or it could be an opportunity for Jackson to pull her close and give her some real responsibility in his life. I think that's a decision that he has yet to make.

And then, there's April. Jackson's been concerned about her and her relationship, but does that change with his new responsibility? Is there any hope for them getting together?
Everybody wants Japril.

Are you surprised by that?
I am surprised by that because I think that nobody liked her at first. Nobody like me at first!

Well, you know ... You were the new kids.
Yeah, new kids are hard to accept and she kind of came in with a lot of energy. But now people have seen how terrific she is. [Sarah Drew] is a wonderful actress, really great to work with. You know, I get it because we do have chemistry. We do have terrific scenes. The writers do a really great job for us in creating that love and lust and distance and detachment. They're very different people with very different backgrounds but for some reason, that yin and yang seems to work and it's kind of magnetic.

But April is trying -- I would even say desperately -- to move on, to feel heard, to feel listened to, to feel cared for, to not feel judged. So she's going to keep going until she finds that partner and I think Jackson is just simply not driven romantically in that way. If he feels like he has a connection with you, he goes for it, even though it's not a smart idea. He had no business pursuing a relationship with Lexie. She was clearly on the heels of a very long, serious relationship with Mark [Eric Dane], but he couldn't help it. He was friends with her, he really liked her, he trusted her, he was attracted to her and he went for it and he got hurt as a result.

And he didn't initiate the relationship with Kepner. Kepner pushed it, pushed it, pushed it for them to sleep together and then immediately, he was sucked into this vortex of drama and feelings. Because they had so much trust for each other, they already, unbeknownst to them, had the foundation of a real relationship already built. It's a slippery slope and if you slip and fall, the momentum kind of takes care of the rest. I think he's got to, at some point, learn some self-preservation and I think that this might be an opportunity for Jackson to not get burned anymore and to realize, "Let her go off and do her thing. That's a whole different speed than you're ready to do and right now, by the way, you just had your workload quadrupled. So why don't you focus on not ruining the whole hospital and let her go be happy with some guy who seems perfectly nice?"

Find out what happens next on "Grey's Anatomy" by tuning in Thursdays at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.

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"666 Park Ave.," ABC Status: Canceled Why: ABC pulled the plug on this supernatural drama earlier in the season.

"The Bachelor," ABC Status: Likely to be renewed Why: While ratings may have dropped, "The Bachelor" will likely see another season on ABC as tabloids and viewers still care about the comings and goings of contestants.

"Body of Proof," ABC Status: On the bubble Why: ABC is keen on this Dana Delany drama, but the ratings for this upcoming third season will be the true test.

"Castle," ABC Status: Likely to be renewed. Why: Strong ratings and a dedicated viewership will keep "Castle" on the schedule.

"Dancing With the Stars," ABC Status: Likely to be renewed Why: The series is hurting in the ratings ... by "DWTS" standards. It's still a strong player for ABC, but the new season hasn't premiered yet.

"Don't Trust The B---- In Apt. 23," ABC Status: Canceled Why: ABC pulled the low-rated comedy from it schedule and the stars took to Twitter to announce the cancellation.

"Family Tools," ABC Status: Too soon to tell Why: This ABC comedy has yet to debut, but a May 1 premiere date doesn't look great.

"Grey's Anatomy," ABC Status: Likely to be renewed Why: America still loves McDreamy and the goings on at Seattle Grace. Expect "Grey's" to return.

"Happy Endings," ABC Status: On the bubble Why: Always the bubble show, never the surefire renewal hit. "Happy Endings" has suffered from many ratings ailments, including bad scheduling (it's moving to Friday night) and lack of promo. But this ahmahzing show has some serious fans that could keep it afloat for another season ... maybe on another network (a la "Cougar Town.")

"How To Live With Your Parents (For The Rest Of Your Life)," ABC Status: Too soon to tell Why: The ABC comedy starring Sarah Chalke has yet to debut, but its late season bow doesn't exactly bode well for its future.

"Last Man Standing," ABC Status: Likely to be renewed Why: Viewers still love Tim Allen! Paired with "Malibu Country," "Last Man Standing" has been performing well on Friday nights and will soon see Allen's "Home Improvement" co-star Jonathan Tyler Thomas.

"Last Resort," ABC Status: Canceled Why: ABC killed the Shawn Ryan drama in late 2012.

"Malibu Country," ABC Status: Likely to be renewed Why: "Malibu Country" has been performing well on Friday nights. Lesson: Never underestimate the star power of Reba.

"The Middle," ABC Status: Likely to be renewed Why: Now in its fourth season, "The Middle" is still pulling in more than 8 million viewers an episode as the anchor of ABC's Wednesday comedies.

"Mistresses," ABC Status: Too soon to tell Why: The drama, which is based on the UK series of the same name, just got a Monday, May 27 premiere date. Though the scheduling struggle doesn't bode well, the ABC drama does have Alyssa Milano and "Lost" alum Yunjin Kim leading the foursome.

"Modern Family," ABC Status: Likely to be renewed Why: A fan favorite and Emmy darling, "Modern Family" will be back and will make ABC lots of money in syndication.

"Nashville," ABC Status: On the bubble Why: Critical acclaim doesn't always equate to rating success. The show has stabilized in Nielsen ratings, but its future really depends on the strength of ABC's drama pilots.

"The Neighbors," ABC Status: Likely to be renewed Why: One of the few "hits" of the season, "The Neighbors" has found an audience and kept it pretty steadily week after week (much to our dismay).

"Once Upon a Time," ABC Status: Likely to be renewed Why: A ratings hit in its second season, "Once Upon a Time" is almost sure to be back for a third season full of fairytale adventures.

"Private Practice," ABC Status: Ended Why: The "Grey's Anatomy" spinoff said goodbye in January 2013.

"Red Widow," ABC Status: Too soon to tell Why: The show has a late February debut on ABC.

"Revenge," ABC Status: On the bubble Why: "Revenge" has fallen out of critical favor and seen lower ratings in its new Sunday night home. But none of ABC's freshman dramas are doing well, so that works in the show's favor.

"Rookie Blue," ABC Status: Renewed Why: The Canadian co-production will return for a fourth season on ABC during the summer of 2013.

"Scandal," ABC Status: Likely to be renewed Why: Shonda Rhimes has another hit on her hands. Now in its second season, "Scandal" has benefited from word-of-mouth and has been rising in the ratings (even recently beating out its lead in "Grey's Anatomy"). A likable star -- Kerry Washington -- and continued buzz will keep "Scandal" on the schedule.

"Suburgatory," ABC Status: On the bubble Why: The series started Season 2 off strong in the ratings, but its audience has slowly eroded. Its not the worst-performing ABC sitcom, but its buzziness has died down as well.

"Zero Hour," ABC Status: Canceled Why: The Anthony Edwards vehicle debuted to 6.3 million viewers with a 1.3 rating in the key 18-49 demographic, making it the least-watched premiere for a scripted series in ABC's history. Things only got worse from there.

"2 Broke Girls," CBS Status: Likely to be renewed Why: It's not doing "The Big Bang Theory" numbers, but "2 Broke Girls" has maintained a viewership over its two seasons.

"The Amazing Race," CBS Status: Likely to be renewed Why: As an Emmy and fan favorite, "The Amazing Race" has been a strong player for CBS.

"The Big Bang Theory," CBS Status: Likely to be renewed Why: Now in its sixth season, "Big Bang" is reaching series-high ratings. Even up against reality powerhouse "American Idol," "The Big Bang Theory" has been delivering with crazy high numbers in the 18-49 demographic, beating out what was once Fox's juggernaut.

"Blue Bloods," CBS Status: Likely to be renewed Why: The Tom Selleck-fronted police drama is a strong ratings performer for CBS on Fridays. It will likely be back to help launch new Friday shows and produce enough episodes to enter syndication.

"Criminal Minds," CBS Status: Likely to be renewed Why: As one of CBS's strong procedural players, the series has been steady in the ratings and will likely be renewed to help anchor a night and launch a new drama.

"CSI," CBS Status: Likely to be renewed Why: Of the two "CSI" shows on the air, "CSI" is the stronger player in the TV landscape. The show is nowhere near its earlier ratings, but after such a successful run, CBS would be smart to bring the show -- and some old faces back -- for an abbreviated farewell season.

"CSI: NY," CBS Status: On the bubble Why: The spinoff series will be entering Season 10 in the 2013-2014 season. The ratings have faded over the years, but they're still pretty stable, especially for Fridays. It's a toss up, depending on how well CBS's development slate goes.

"Elementary," CBS Status: Likely to be renewed Why: One of the very few freshman series hits during the 2012-2013 TV season, CBS is very keen on this modern-day take on Sherlock Holmes. The audience has been steady and the network even gave it the post-Super Bowl timeslot.

"Golden Boy," CBS Status: Too soon to tell Why: CBS certainly has a handsome star at the front of this cop drama, but its late season entry and Friday timeslot could be a hint toward CBS's confidence in the show.

"The Good Wife," CBS Status: On the bubble Why: A former ratings champ, "The Good Wife" has slipped to series low ratings on Sunday nights. Blame football overrun, fan-detested storylines or too many guest stars, but "The Good Wife" is certainly in the danger zone. What it has going for it: star power and critical praise, plus its nearing a good syndication sweet spot.

"Hawaii Five-0," CBSStatus: On the bubble Why: Its ratings -- bouncing around 8-10 million viewers an episode, are great ... if you're a show on NBC. By CBS standards, they're kind of meh, but this show has stars with very active fan followings. CBS could axe the drama to make room for new procedurals, or stick with it to get the show close to syndication gold.

"How I Met Your Mother," CBS Status: Renewed Why: CBS handed out a ninth and final season to this comedy with the entire cast returning. Expect to meet the mother, finally.

"Made In Jersey," CBS Status: Canceled Why: CBS pulled the plug on this legal drama very early on in the season because of low ratings.

"The Mentalist," CBS Status: On the bubble Why: "The Mentalist" has fallen to mediocre ratings -- by CBS standards -- and could be axed in favor of making room for a new drama.

"Mike & Molly," CBS Status: Likely to be renewed Why: The ratings are down a little bit from last year, but Melissa McCarthy's star continues to rise. CBS will likely bring the show back for another season.

"NCIS," CBS Status: Renewed Why: CBS reached a deal with series star Mark Harmon in early 2013, keeping the No. 1 show in America around for a Season 11.

"NCIS: LA," CBS Status: Likely to be renewed Why: Viewers love their "NCIS," in any form. The ratings have been strong and the network is producing a backdoor spinoff pilot for this spinoff show. A full night of "NCIS" could be in CBS's future.

"Partners," CBS Status: Canceled Why: Low ratings and unfavorable reviews led to the early demise of this CBS comedy.

"Person of Interest," CBS Status: Likely to be renewed Why: The series has developed a nice-sized audience, bigger than its first season.

"Rules of Engagement," CBS Status: Honestly, who knows Why: This comedy has been on the bubble since it premiered ... yet is now in its seventh season. It's too soon to look at the numbers for this season, but the show has been a midseason success for CBS in the past. However, series co-star Patrick Warburton is attached to star in a new pilot ... for CBS.

"Survivor," CBS Status: Likely to be renewed Why: A strong player for the last 13 years, "Survivor" will likely be back. But due to its most recent premiere ratings, we might not see it during the fall season, though a midseason or summer return -- with some new gimmick -- is definitely in the cards for the reality series.

"Two and a Half Men," CBS Status: Likely to be renewed Why: CBS wants another season of this bawdy hit, it's just a matter of getting its stars to sign back on.

"Undercover Boss," CBS Status: Likely to be renewed Why: The show is enjoying life in syndication and its Season 4 numbers are better than most of its third season.

"Unforgettable," CBS Status: Uncanceled Why: CBS canceled the Poppy Montgomery drama last season ... and then revived it! Season 2 premieres Sunday, July 28.

"Vegas," CBS Status: On the bubble Why: Despite star power, the series hasn't been a breakout hit in the ratings. CBS previously canceled "Unforgettable" (then uncanceled it) last season when it was doing about the same as "Vegas."

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92nd Street Y: Joy Behar: Being Funny is More Fun Than Having Boyfriend--Especially If You're a Lesbian

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92nd Street Y GET UPDATES FROM 92nd Street Y   Like 2 Joy Behar: Being Funny is More Fun Than Having Boyfriend--Especially If You're a Lesbian Posted: 03/13/2013 3:56 pm Follow   The View , Joy Behar , Judy Gold , Sheryl Sandberg , Feminism , Women News
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Joy Behar, the departing co-host of "The View," joined comedian Judy Gold for a night of laughs at 92Y on March 12, 2012. In this clip, Behar chimed in on Sheryl Sandberg's buzz-worthy new book.

Behar agreed with Sandberg's assessment that powerful men are viewed favorably where as powerful women are unlikeable.

"It's really hard for women because we really would like to be likeable...we're not out there to make people hate us. As comedians it's a very tricky thing because you want to be likeable on stage, but you also have to be edgy and bitchy and take shots at people and all the good stuff that makes people laugh."

Behar also commended a 10-year-old female comedian, joking:

"Good for you, girl. She's not taking that road where I gotta be demure for the boys and I can't make them laugh because they won't like me."

She added:

"Being funny is more fun than having a boyfriend sometimes...especially if you're a lesbian."

Women - do you feel you have to be likeable? Men - do you want them to be?"

OO.ready(function() { OO.Player.create('ooyalaplayer', 'w5dWs1YToanfbcy2VyWQHJfvfaZaazGP'); });   This Blogger's Books from 92Y- Annette Insdorff and Robert Duvall (November 20, 2010)
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Valerie Harper's Landmark 'Gay' Move: Actress Recalls Being Among First To Use Word On TV

In a new interview, Valerie Harper shares her thoughts about being one of the first stars to utter the word "gay" on TV.

Speaking on an episode of "The Doctors," Harper -- who recently revealed that she has terminal brain cancer -- recalled the time she made TV history by using the word "gay" on "The Mary Tyler Moore Show."

"The audience went crazy," the 73-year-old actress, who played Rhoda Morgenstern on the iconic series, recalled. "They started laughing and they wouldn't stop ... they had to cut the laugh, because it was too long."

Harper's full interview is set to air March 11.

H/T Towleroad

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Google Chrome Blocks Popular Websites For Being Infected With Malware

Google Chrome users have been blocked from visiting several popular websites in recent days after their browsers warned those sites could infect their computers with malware.

Many have reported on Twitter their failed attempts to visit a variety of websites -- including The Washington Post, The Guardian, The Verge, The Huffington Post, Pandora and even YouTube, which is owned by Google. Instead, they said they were shown a page from Google Chrome that began “Danger: Malware Ahead" and explained that some content on each site came from a “known malware distributor."

"Visiting this page now is very likely to infect your computer with malware," the message said.

What Search Engine Land Danny Sullivan saw when trying to visit HuffPost.

Dan Lohrmann, a columnist for the security blog CSOonline.com, said he received the message while checking sports scores this weekend on ESPN.com.

"Having never seen this message before, I was somewhat surprised, but also intrigued," he wrote. "Was this a mistake? Could ESPN.com really be infected with malware? What was really going on here?"

Many warnings said the malicious content stemmed from a site called us.bernerverein.ch, which appears to be owned by a club at a university in Switzerland, according to the San Jose Mercury News. Other warnings last week said the malware came from Buddy TV, a source of TV show recaps, and Netseer, which serves targeted ads for websites. Chrome had blocked Netseer's corporate website after the site had been infected, according to the Mercury News. Netseer said in a statement on its website it worked with Google and its site was removed from Chrome's list of infected sites.

A Google spokeswoman declined to comment on individual malware cases but said its Chrome browser is working as intended to keep users safe from legitimate threats on the web."

The feature that blocked the sites is called Safe Browsing, a security initiative created by Google five years ago to keep Internet users safe from malicious content. Last June, Google said it flags about 9,500 new malicious websites every day to protect users from so-called "drive-by downloads" that infect computers with malware when users click on an infected site.

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'Being Mandela': Nelson Mandela's Granddaughters Bring An Icon's Legacy To Reality TV (VIDEO)

The last time Zaziwe Dlamini-Manaway saw South Africa's infamous Robben Island penitentiary, she was just 8 months old and being smuggled in by a prison guard to see her grandfather. For many years, she couldn't imagine making a trip back.

"We didn't want to go for years and years, because that's where my grandfather was," Zaziwe, now 35, told The Huffington Post. "It was a painful place and we didn't want to relive it," she said, recalling the return visit she eventually made, along with her sister Swati Dlamini, 33, and other siblings.

Their grandfather, 94-year-old civil rights icon Nelson Mandela, hasn't heard about the emotions the women's trip to his old prison cell evoked, though he may when an episode of their reality TV show, "Being Mandela," airs on the NBC-affiliated Cozi TV in the coming weeks.

The 13-episode series, which premieres Sunday on the eve of the anniversary of Nelson Mandela's release from prison 23 years ago, doesn't only show viewers what life for a Mandela in South Africa is like today; it also helps Zaziwe and Swati understand their own legacy better.

According to the sisters, who grew up in exile in Boston with their parents, there were some reminders of the struggle raging in their home country, but for the most part, their parents kept them sheltered from the harsh realities that their famous grandparents and fellow South Africans had to endure.

"There were always reminders of the fact that far away, back at home, there are people who were fighting for the liberation of the country. So there are certain things that we wouldn't do as a family," Swati explained. "We would never put up a Christmas tree. [Our mother would say], 'We have no reason to celebrate. Once your grandfather gets out of prison, if he ever does get out of prison, then we can celebrate.' Even my sister's birthday -- June 16th, which is Youth Activist Day for us and the liberation struggle -- we couldn't celebrate. She never got a present on her actual birthday until my grandfather got out of prison."

These are sacrifices that Swati noted pale in comparison to those made by her grandparents -- and to the moment she realized just what their legacy meant.

"I remember coming back to South Africa when my grandfather was released, driving up Vilakazi Street," Swati said. "There were hundreds and thousands of people lined up on both sides of the road. They literally hung out for the entire time we were there -- two or three weeks -- and they didn't move. I was just like, 'Wow! Is this all for my grandfather?' That's the first recollection I [have] where I thought, 'OK, this is big. People really admire this man, and he's been such a huge inspiration for so many people.'"

Still, around Swati's and Zaziwe's homes, Nelson Mandela is "Granddad" and their grandmother, Winnie Mandela, is "Big Mommy." And when Zaziwe gives birth to her third child in episode one of "Being Mandela," none other than Big Mommy is on hand to help give him a name.

"She literally is the one who's responsible for naming everybody in the family," Zaziwe said, "so she was there when I had Zen, and it was an honor."

As for Swati, she is spearheading the publication of her grandmother's prison diary. In 1969, Winnie Mandela became one of the first detainees under Section 6 of South Africa's notorious Terrorism Act, serving 18 months in solitary confinement at Pretoria Central before being charged under the Suppression of Communism Act.

"It was such an eye-opener for me, the depths to which she describes her personal experiences and what she went through every day in prison, not being fed ... For two years she didn't see her children," said Swati. "As I'm going down this journey, I'll come home and ask my mom, 'Do you know this is what Big Mommy had to go through when she was in solitary confinement? Where were you guys?' And she would say, 'Sweetie, you know, we were just taken in by different people here and there. Our own family members didn't want to take us in because we were seen as such high risk.' We're going back into a place and a time where I think for a very long time we'd just shut off. We're facing a lot of those things now."

Remembering the past is crucial. "We're fortunate to look back, and February is a significant month for us," Swati said, adding that while the U.S. is celebrating Black History Month now, South Africa has its own Human Rights Month in March to acknowledge the country's struggle for human dignity.

But Nelson Mandela's granddaughters insist on writing the next chapter in their own way.

"To be able to be in a position as a woman to choose if I want to go into entertainment -- I'm fortunate that my grandmother did that for me. She fought, she was in solitary confinement for 18 months so that I can sit here and I can have this choice and live it out as I please," Swati said.

"We're looking back at our history to say look how far we've come, as a country, as a nation ... and we're excited about continuing the legacy, but we're doing it in our own way," she added.

One of those ways is a clothing line named after their grandfather's autobiography, Long Walk to Freedom. The line of apparel, which the sisters launched with their two younger brothers and which draws inspiration from their grandfather's famous Madiba shirts, is the primary focus of Zaziwe and Swati's work days. Running the business is also a major theme on the duo's reality show, giving the series the kind of sibling rivalry and semi-scripted adventures that reality TV is known for.

The sisters declare, nonetheless, that their show isn't your average reality TV. "Like every family, there's a bit of drama here and there, but we're very respectful of our name and we're very respectful of our grandparent's legacy and we're very mindful of that. In anything that we try to do, we always try to maintain the integrity of the family," Swati said.

The show also helps to portray Africa in a more positive light, Zaziwe added. "Most people think of Africa as one big country ... but the continent is so massive and this is just one aspect," she said. "We'll show that, Jesus, we've come so far after apartheid, we live in nice homes, we go to nice restaurants, the scenery is beautiful, it's safe ... this is a different side. It's not a travel show, but you'll see."

"Being Mandela" premieres on Cozi TV on Sunday, Feb. 10, at 9 p.m. ET. Watch a clip from the show in the video above.

Loading Slideshow

Zaziwe Dlamini-Manaway and her daughter (left) and Swati Dlamini and her daughter (right) flank their mother, Zenani Mandela Dlamini, and their grandfather, Nelson Mandela.

Swati Dlamini points to the number "67" on her grandfather Nelson Mandela's sweater. "On some of our apparel, we incorporate the number 67 because our grandfather dedicated 67 years of his life to the struggle," Swati told The Huffington Post.

Nelson Mandela "is doing very well," one of his granddaughters recently told the Associated Press. Mandela, 94, spent much of December in the hospital, where he was treated for a lung infection and gallstones.

Zaziwe and Swati gather with their grandmother, Winnie Mandela, and other family members. "My mom has four kids -- the two of us and two younger brothers -- and then we have stepbrothers and stepsisters," Zaziwe told The Huffington Post. "We're eight in total and we're all very close."

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How to Be Honest Without Being Harsh

18 authors | 47 revisions | Last updated: December 14, 2012

Zack, Rob S, Flickety, Blabla96, Glutted, AspiringSquire, Lillian May, Emma, Sara2871, Harri, Doglover23, Maluniu, Teresa, Eric, Genius_knight, Zareen, Lolly1190, BRPin ItArticle EditDiscuss

Do you ever wonder if you should avoid telling the truth to keep from hurting someone's feelings? Not only is it possible to be comfortably honest with people in situations that seem to require an offensive response, candor is often the kindest and most honorable way to express yourself and help other people avoid the perils of false flattery or mistaken confidence.

Edit Steps1Remember that honesty is the basis of all healthy relationships, whether with a friend, a significant other, co-worker or any other person. Honesty gives rise to trust, which is absolutely essential for maintaining relationships. Honesty also establishes consistency, allowing the other person to rely on what you say as carrying true meaning. Most importantly of all, honesty is about respect and valuing the dignity of the other person.2Recognize how dishonesty plays itself out within a relationship. Lying to a friend or other person can ruin a relationship, sometimes instantly. Even if dishonest behavior goes undetected for a time, it will white ant your relationship––insincerity and a lack of investment in the well-being of the other person burrows into the subconscious of those at the receiving end, even through the most finely crafted lies and pretense. Dishonest behavior in relationships can include:Fawning over someone even though you don't particularly like them. Sometimes this is to get something you want (such as a promotion, a role, a gift, money, etc.), while other times it is simply because you're too insecure to own up to not liking this person much. While it can be difficult to maintain relations with a person you don't much get along with, you can agree to respect each other's differences instead of lying outright.Pretending you like something someone has done or made for you/given you/shared with you. For example, you might pretend to like a friend's rock-hard baking or pretend that your boss's presentation is fantastic even though it's a bore. In each case, you have an opportunity to enlighten the person that they need to improve but lying is a way of sidestepping this teaching role. Lying will often cause more of the same behavior and you'll have to endure more rock solid cakes and boring speeches when you could have compassionately shone a light on making improvements. A no-win for both of you.Enabling bad behavior. Although more complex than there is room for discussion here, enabling behavior is a form of dishonesty. In letting the alcoholic have "just one more drink", or the internet-obsessed "just another after-midnight hour online", etc., you fail to address the root problem and enable the bad behavior. This type of dishonesty can let problems fester or grow, damaging both the other person and the relationship.Brushing someone off. Sometimes dishonesty is as simple as saying "Yes, that looks all right on you", just because you can't be bothered or don't really care. This is a failure of paying attention and is insincere because you fail to want the best for the other person, giving your own wants greater attention.3Acknowledge why you feel a desire to lie instead of speak honestly. Honesty is often embarrassing or confronting. It requires clarity of thought, very carefully chosen words of candor and a commitment not to stray from the facts (keeping away from the minefield of emotional interpretations). Other reasons for lying include covering up your own weaknesses, maintaining compromises that make life easier to cope with and avoiding getting into trouble. And many people have been raised to see honesty as too "blunt" or "rude"; yet rather than being an issue of etiquette, this stems from a misunderstanding as to how to put forward honest messages compassionately. There is a world of difference between being tactless and being considerately and respectfully open.4Be honest with yourself first. This may seem unusual, given that you're wanting to know how to be honest to others. But until you can be honest about your own weaknesses or share of the blame, you risk using lying or evasion of the truth to cover up your own sense of failing, especially if you have a tendency to compare yourself to others. Being honest with yourself is about knowing––and accepting––yourself, warts and all. Good self knowledge means that you're less likely to try and conform to other people's expectations of you, lessening the need to lie to them. If you're not pretending to be someone you're not, then people already know what they can expect from you and you can spend more time focused on having a compassionate outlook toward other people instead of worrying about how you come across.5Accept that honesty is about kindness. Is it kind to say yes to someone when you would rather have said no? There is little kindness in having your reluctant or scant attention, your resentful presence around a person when you'd have been more comfortable saying no. Is it kind to let someone go forth thinking they're well prepared or looking good when the exact opposite is true? There is a laziness and unkindness involved in not telling people such things; how can they remedy or learn what needs to be learned if they're not told? Is it a good idea to fail to speak up when something wrong or unlawful is happening in your workplace? It may keep you your job a while longer, but as with the case of a place like Enron, the truth will eventually out and the ship sinks. When seen in this way, honesty is best understood as kindness, not harshness.Honesty is also self-kindness. Lying increases your blood pressure and subjects you to stress. Doing this frequently can reduce the effectiveness of your immune system. Dishonesty can lead you to second guess your self worth and justify even more dishonesty. All of this is unnecessary mental and bodily strain; honesty is the easy way to take care of your health. Honest means not having to keep cross-referencing your deception to make sure it all adds up. After all, eventually it won't.If you're still struggling with the idea of honesty as the best policy, put yourself in the other person's shoes. How would you feel if someone concealed something important from you, such as slips in your work performance that could be remedied early or your fly being undone/your skirt being stuck in the back of your underpants as you return from the bathroom? It is rare that you'd rather not know something awkward, confronting or bad that impacts you personally. Sure, the embarrassment or pain at first may be intense but then you can get on to fixing things quickly.6Ask yourself the trilogy of essential questions when deciding on whether your honesty is coming from a place of good intent: Is it true, is it necessary, is it kind?[1] If you can't answer all of these in the affirmative, then your "honesty" probably has the wrong motivation (such as spite, anger or revenge) and you'll need to rethink what you intend to communicate, if anything.Distinguish between jealousy and honesty. Jealousy is not tactful, caring or considerate of reality. Telling a person that they have no talent or that they're ugly just because you're jealous of their achievements or looks is a distortion of reality, not an expression of honesty. Do not confuse the two.7Focus on how you present your honest assessment of any situation. This is the most important part of reducing any sense of harshness––the how of delivery matters. Begin from a position of kindness, of acceptance that it is better to be tactfully honest than to let someone go on believing something that isn't true. Be prepared to stick to the objective, identifiable facts and avoid making emotional observations. Act from the goodness of exposing a problem in need of a solution. And be aware that this is a communication skill––as with all skills, it will take time and practice to perfect, with a good dose of humility thrown in.Consider the person with whom you must be honest. Don't be brash or too pointed where the person is usually shy or very sensitive. Take into account their nature when adapting your message. There will be a different approach between telling your best friend something delicate and motivating a slack co-worker with whom you're trying to complete a project.If you need to rehearse, do so! It is much better to have gone over what you're going to say to iron out any insensitive or thoughtless comments that might crop up through nervousness or an over-willingness to "set things right". It won't make you sound forced; practice will actually help you to work through whether this is the right thing to do, and which words are the right ones to use.8Seek a favorable environment for divulging the truth. Don't tell the person something potentially hurtful or embarrassing in front of other people––try to speak to them alone as the best option. If you have no choice about telling the other person in the company of others, keep your voice down low and even whisper if you have to. People will be able to take your honesty better if they're not under social pressure.Face-to-face is best; it lets the other person read your body language and helps them put your words into emotional perspective. Words spoken over the phone or written can be all too easily distorted, to make a negative meaning where none was intended.Avoid using distractions as a solution. While a cup of tea or going for a walk outdoors may be a nice segue into a heart-to-heart, and a form of consoling a person, don't allow this to turn into a distraction from what needs to be said. Stay focused on the purpose of delivering your message of honesty.9Recognize some potential situations where honesty is necessary, and where a "white lie" might not be reasonable. There are some fairly standard topics that can come up in the course of your relationships and it is a good idea to know in advance how you'll avoid the reflex action of bland and evasive responses! Just a few to get you thinking:The "Am I fat?" question. This one often occurs in the fitting rooms or when dressing to go out. If your friend or spouse is being self-conscious, then reinforce his or her confidence. Don't say "You're not that fat", as this comes off as sarcastic or insincere––and it may well be untrue. Rather, use a comparative note. Consider something like, "You're healthy and beautiful. I love how you wear green––it brings out the color in your eyes. However, that outfit isn't showing you off to your best advantage––what about wearing a shirt with sleeves instead?" It is also a good idea to be proactive and help your friend to find something that really suits him or her, rather than trying to squeeze into something clearly not suitable for his or her body shape.The "Am I ugly?" question. Remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and is subjective. Everyone has different areas of beauty; it's important to stress these areas. Your friend might not have the most beautiful body, but he or she may have gorgeous eyes, or a smile that stops traffic. Make this clear to your friend or significant other! Never tell a person that they're ugly––if you do this, you are always being dishonest because you have failed to truly appreciate that person for who they really are.Your friend wants to break up with his or her significant other. It's important to express your opinion, but only if it's relevant and always couched in terms of your own experience, not trying to substitute your feelings for facts. If you simply do not like your friend's boyfriend, then don't use that as an excuse to persuade your friend to end the relationship. If your friend's boyfriend is abusive, then convince your friend to break up on the grounds that she might get hurt. You could also help your friend to get support from counselors, etc.Appalling work performance. If you can catch bad work from a co-worker before the boss does, you may just be able to intervene in time to help fix the issues; perhaps the person is under lots of stress, perhaps they didn't understand the work task, perhaps they need more time. Your lack of judgment about the reasons and your honesty about their slack efforts (including perhaps a willingness to help train them) may just save them their job.10Give advice constructively. When expressing an opinion that may conflict with that of the other person, particularly if it is about some work that they have produced, focus on the positive aspects of a recommendation, and avoid phrasing it as a mandate. Rather than saying "I don't like it because..." or "You should do this instead...", try something like "I think it would help to…". It is also best to mention any positive remarks you may have about the subject before giving advice. This way, the person is less likely to perceive it as an affront on their abilities and is more likely to consider following your advice.Always notice the good along with the bad. This makes it clear that you see the whole and that you respect the person's abilities and think that they can do or be better with more effort.11Be as specific as possible. Your friend is likely to read more into what you're saying, because they'll (sometimes subconsciously) wonder what you left unsaid. So be as exact as possible in telling them what they need to know. It is a good idea also to think about what else they might read into your statement and proactively tell them that there is nothing more to it than what you've stated. This has the advantage of introducing positive emotions into your statement, which softens the impact.While you should stick to the objective facts when describing the behavior or issue in question, this is not to say that you abandon emotion. Showing that the person's plight moves you or concerns you is absolutely appropriate––they're much more likely to connect with you as a result and realize that you're on their side. Again, all things in balance––don't be melodramatic. Show warmth and empathy.

Edit TipsIt's easier to hear the truth from a friend than from an acquaintance or stranger. If you aren't particularly close to a person with whom you would like to be honest, but you still want to convey your message, then ask someone who is close to that person. For example, you might tell this person's close friend that he or she has bad breath, rather than telling the person yourself. Be careful not to gossip about someone's perceived shortcomings, though.Remember—–take note of the person with whom you want to be honest, and adjust your tone accordingly. That is, don't be over-the-top with a quiet and shy person.In short, don't be rude. There are other ways to inform someone of something without directly hurting his or her feelings.Ideally, "wrap" a negative statement with two positive ones.Simply knowing something to be "scientifically" or "religiously" proven does not give a free pass to be forceful or rude when trying to enlighten another person to the facts you think you know or beliefs you hold. You still have a responsibility to respect the dignity of the other person and to avoid suggestions of ignorance, stupidity or eternal damnation. Honesty without being harsh means acknowledging that the other person has reasons for resisting your "truths" and it behooves you to find the pathway to opening their mind to your point of view by being polite, sensitive and respectful.

Edit WarningsWhile excessive white lies are counterproductive, remember that some things are just better left unsaid. That which you haven't said doesn't need to be taken back.Be aware that for some people, "taking offense" is a means of manipulating others. In the case of such people, who claim to be "outraged" at almost anything that they don't like or feel uncomfortable with, there is always a risk that honesty will bring out a backlash. In some cases, you may need to be prepared to weather the whining but provided you have been truthful, kind and you have objectively assessed the need for the truth to be told, then don't feel you need to back down or retract what you've said. Honesty is not to be cowered into submission by people who don't like what they hear and respond with threats of suing or blogging.Name calling tells other people that you're frustrated; it does not amount to honesty.Some people confuse nastiness with honesty. This happens where a person decides that he or she has a mandate to correct the ways of another person and says nasty, undermining things constantly, then excuses the nastiness by saying things like: "It's for your own good" or "I only want the best for you." Appointing yourself as the judge and jury of another person's way of living or being is not about honesty but about enforcing your preferences over someone else who has less power than you (such as a parent over a child, a teacher over a student, a boss over a subordinate, etc.). Honest guidance is kindly and respectful of the other person, no matter their age, and does not seek to abuse the other person into submission.

Edit Related wikiHowsHow to Be HonestHow to Be Honest With YourselfHow to Be SincereHow to Build TrustHow to Be Polite

Edit Sources and Citations↑ These questions are attributed to a host of people including Buddha, various spiritual leaders and a host of embattled forum moderators.Article Info Featured Article

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